![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Being married young is funny.
Nov. 11th, 2005 08:05 pmI float (or race frantically, depending on the week) between feeling mature and married and secure in that fact socially. I feel older; I feel like I know what I'm doing in the world and can make decisions and know about things like irons and babies and buying houses. Then at times I feel like a leaf in the ocean that knows it's a leaf in the ocean and allows itself to roll around on the waves because it knows it has no choice. I feel young, immature and unwise. People look at you and ask, 'Is that Miss?' and I look back at them and say, 'no, Mrs,' and you can see them feel surprised and then stupid on the inside even though they hide it well. Because for all my size and dress, I look young. I do not pass for much older than 21 or 22, if that. I often get asked if I'm 'studying' because people who have an ounce of tact don't want to embarass themselves by asking if I'm in high school or University. Those without the tact just ask flat out when I graduate, and I politely laugh and and tell them I graduated in 2001. Then they look shocked, and apologise.
Don't get me wrong - it really doesn't bother me that much. Not at all, most times. It's amusing. But sometimes, when I'm walking alone through Myer or somewhere similar, I feel very young. And very insecure in my social status as a wife. Because according to society, wives are older. 27, 28, or older. I think I realised just how different I was when I went wedding dress shopping once; I tried on several dresses, and none seemed to be right. Mum figured it out first; I was too young. The lady at the store just looked at her, and asked me how old I was. I replied that I was 19 (this was not long after we got engaged), and her eyes widened. She'd not really ascribed me an age, she admitted, because social convention told her I was older, but my face told her I was young. She stared at me for a few moments and nodded, agreeing with Mum. I was, at 19, trying to wear dresses that were designed for 27 and 28 year olds. Or at least people who looked 27 or 28. It was like playing dress-ups with the clothes Grandma's old chest; pretending you were grown up and adult, when really, the clothes look ridiculous.
I love the fact that I'm married and I'm 21. I love the fact that I can look people in the eye and say, 'no, Mrs,' and be able to giggle girlishly on the inside. I guess it's the minority that ruins it for the majority - most people think about it for a few seconds and then the realisation dawns on them just how cool it would be to be married at 20. Some look at me and you can see them looking for the reason. I know that I am mature, and I'm really not that different to alot of people I know. I'm pobably slightly on the younger side, but I know people who got married younger than me, and are thoroughly enjoying it, just like me. I can name about 10 different couples married under the age of 25. But regardless of all that, I know that I have done the right thing and I am where my God wants me to be, and there is nothing that can make me more secure than the knowledge that I am walking, at least in the big things, in the will of God.
I don't think I've explained myself very well. I guess what I'm saying is that I have moments of insecurity, just like everyone. I'm usually unhappy with the way I express myself, cause I don't do it enough, I know.
But none of the bad stuff really affects me. I am completely secure in my marriage, in my husband and in myself. I know that I am incredibly blessed. Really, I do. I cannot imagine my life without my boy; he literally rocks my world. I'm an optimist; I have trouble seeing the worst in people, I struggle to hold a grudge, and simply don't like it. I guess it just brings home just how in the world but not of the world I am. How much of an alien I feel. Not that I'm complaining.
Oh, and I bought an iron today. :)
Don't get me wrong - it really doesn't bother me that much. Not at all, most times. It's amusing. But sometimes, when I'm walking alone through Myer or somewhere similar, I feel very young. And very insecure in my social status as a wife. Because according to society, wives are older. 27, 28, or older. I think I realised just how different I was when I went wedding dress shopping once; I tried on several dresses, and none seemed to be right. Mum figured it out first; I was too young. The lady at the store just looked at her, and asked me how old I was. I replied that I was 19 (this was not long after we got engaged), and her eyes widened. She'd not really ascribed me an age, she admitted, because social convention told her I was older, but my face told her I was young. She stared at me for a few moments and nodded, agreeing with Mum. I was, at 19, trying to wear dresses that were designed for 27 and 28 year olds. Or at least people who looked 27 or 28. It was like playing dress-ups with the clothes Grandma's old chest; pretending you were grown up and adult, when really, the clothes look ridiculous.
I love the fact that I'm married and I'm 21. I love the fact that I can look people in the eye and say, 'no, Mrs,' and be able to giggle girlishly on the inside. I guess it's the minority that ruins it for the majority - most people think about it for a few seconds and then the realisation dawns on them just how cool it would be to be married at 20. Some look at me and you can see them looking for the reason. I know that I am mature, and I'm really not that different to alot of people I know. I'm pobably slightly on the younger side, but I know people who got married younger than me, and are thoroughly enjoying it, just like me. I can name about 10 different couples married under the age of 25. But regardless of all that, I know that I have done the right thing and I am where my God wants me to be, and there is nothing that can make me more secure than the knowledge that I am walking, at least in the big things, in the will of God.
I don't think I've explained myself very well. I guess what I'm saying is that I have moments of insecurity, just like everyone. I'm usually unhappy with the way I express myself, cause I don't do it enough, I know.
But none of the bad stuff really affects me. I am completely secure in my marriage, in my husband and in myself. I know that I am incredibly blessed. Really, I do. I cannot imagine my life without my boy; he literally rocks my world. I'm an optimist; I have trouble seeing the worst in people, I struggle to hold a grudge, and simply don't like it. I guess it just brings home just how in the world but not of the world I am. How much of an alien I feel. Not that I'm complaining.
Oh, and I bought an iron today. :)
